What If Your “Self-Sabotage” Isn’t Sabotage at All?

If you’ve ever felt like you’re getting in your own way, maybe avoiding opportunities, procrastinating on goals you know you care about, or pulling back the moment things start to feel good, you’re not alone. So many survivors of narcissistic abuse say it, “I keep sabotaging myself.” And I get why it feels that way. But here’s a different way to look at it…what looks like sabotage is often your nervous system still trying to protect you. What feels like failure is sometimes just trauma showing up in disguise. Surprise! And if that’s what’s happening, it means you’re surviving the aftershocks of everything you’ve lived through.

If you had a narcissistic parent, or spent time in a narcissistically abusive “relationship,” you probably learned early on that being happy, visible, or proud came with consequences. Maybe you were criticized for showing confidence. Maybe someone shut you down the second you started to shine. Maybe the moment you felt hopeful, they found a way to squeeze it out of you. So your nervous system did what it thought it had to do to keep you safe. It learned to flinch. It learned to expect the slap, the silence, the sabotage from someone else.

And now, even when you’re in a safer space, that part of you is still on high alert. You may find yourself hesitating, checking out, or avoiding the very things you want, not because you don’t care, but because your body remembers what happened the last time things started to go well. That’s not self-sabotage. That’s surviving.

One of the hardest things to untangle after narcissistic abuse is the belief that, “If I ruin it first, at least I’m in control.” It’s a coping strategy that so many survivors carry, even if we don’t always realize it. You’re not afraid of success or love or being seen in the traditional sense. You’re afraid of what the narcissist sees and what used to come after. And when you’ve been punished for shining, punished for being wanted, punished for getting close to something good, of course, your brain and body will try to avoid repeating that pain. Even if it means holding yourself back. That’s not self-destruction. That’s what I call trauma-driven self-protection.

At Wily Survivor, we talk a lot about the nervous system and how it remembers what the brain wants to forget. Self-sabotage isn’t a flaw in your personality. It’s often just old survival wiring playing out in real time, which no longer serves us. You might find yourself procrastinating even though you care deeply. You might ghost people who feel safe but unfamiliar. You might find reasons to avoid going after the things you actually want. That doesn’t make you flaky. It makes you someone who learned that shrinking was safer. It makes sense, even if it’s frustrating.

Let me say this gently, but clearly. You’re not a mess. You’re not unmotivated. You’re not hopeless. You’re someone who lived through emotional trauma, likely for years, maybe even your whole life. And your nervous system did exactly what it was supposed to do to get you through it. But those strategies aren’t working for you anymore. Believe it or not, that’s a good thing. It means you’re ready for something more aligned, more tailored to where you are now. The great news is that trauma responses aren’t permanent. With support, awareness, and practice, you can rewire how you respond to the world in a way that serves you currently. And you don’t have to do that alone.

So what do you do next? The next time you feel yourself pulling away from something good, pause and ask: What am I trying to protect myself from? Is this fear coming from the present or from the past? Whose voice is speaking to me? What would it feel like if this actually had a positive outcome? Your nervous system might not trust safety yet. That’s okay. It’s normal. It’s allowed to take its time. Every moment of curiosity, every tiny act of self-compassion, is progress. This is not a sprint toward healing. You just have to realign, keep choosing yourself, again and again, until the choosing feels natural. Remember, you’re allowed to want. You’re allowed to have. You’re allowed to take up space.

If this resonated with you and you’re looking for trauma-informed, validating support on your healing journey, I’d be honored to walk alongside you. You don’t have to untangle it all alone.

Explore 1:1 coaching options or book a free consultation to see if we’re a good fit. You’ll find everything you need on the coaching page.

Sending you strength, light, and love,

Esther